Eliza and Her Monsters, by Fracesca Zappia

“I don't want to be the girl who freezes when confronted with new friends, or the outside world, or the smallest shred of intimacy. I don't want to be alone in a room all the time. I don't want to feel alone in a room all the time, even when there are other people around.”

Title: Eliza and Her Monsters
Author: Francesca Zappia
Genre: Contemporary, Young Adult, Romance
Publisher: Greenwillow Books
Release Date: May 30th, 2017
Format: Kindle Edition
Source: Library
Rating: 5 Stars

In the real world, Eliza Mirk is shy, weird, and friendless. Online, she’s LadyConstellation, the anonymous creator of the wildly popular webcomic Monstrous Sea. Eliza can’t imagine enjoying the real world as much as she loves the online one, and she has no desire to try.

Then Wallace Warland, Monstrous Sea’s biggest fanfiction writer, transfers to her school. Wallace thinks Eliza is just another fan, and as he draws her out of her shell, she begins to wonder if a life offline might be worthwhile.

But when Eliza’s secret is accidentally shared with the world, everything she’s built—her story, her relationship with Wallace, and even her sanity—begins to fall apart.

Wow.... I can honestly say that I have never encountered a book that resonated with me so deeply. Eliza and Her Monsters is a true gem in the steadily growing wasteland that is YA literature. 

Zappia managed to tell the story of a young girl suffering from depression/anxiety in the most raw, relatable way. I suffered heavily from social anxiety, depression, and panic attacks for the majority of my life and to see something I deal with every single day (though not necessarily to such an extreme) portrayed so realistically, is such a breath of fresh air. And the author didn't feel the need to explain her behavior away either. There were no meaningless platitudes like "Oh, well it gets better!" or "You just have to put your mind to it!" or even worse, "It's all in your head". It took Eliza months of struggle to come to terms with her anxiety, and even then, she still has times where she regresses. She lashes out, pushes people away, isolates herself from the ones she loves, and even contemplates suicide. Zappia does not shy away from portraying the ugly side of mental disorders and for this, I am so grateful.

As for the plot itself, this book will forever be right up there with Fangirl in terms of nostalgia for me. Eliza is the creator of a wildly popular web comic, Monstrous Sea, and her love interest, Wallace, writes the most popular fanfiction in the fandom. Let me tell you, this was my shit in high school. My best friend and I used to RPG our own Zelda characters (good times).

I read fanfiction. 
I collected merch.
I attended cons. 

To an extent, I did all the things these characters do and that's why I loved them so much. Reading about Eliza and Wallace was like looking back in time. To some degree, I even understood Eliza's struggle in trying to produce the best work you possibly can, while simultaneously pleasing everyone around you. Fans can be vultures and I feel for well known authors and artists who are constantly hounded to push out new material, regardless of what may be going on in their personal lives.

“Creating art is a lonely task, which is why we introverts revel in it, but when we have fans looming over us, it becomes loneliness of a different sort. We become cage animals watched by zoo-goers, expected to perform lest the crowd grow bored or angry. It's not always bad. Sometimes we do well, and the cage feels more like a pedestal.”

My sophomore year, I wrote a fairly popular Naruto fanfic (don't judge), which lasted for two years. I had a modest following with a handful of really persistent fans. My grandma was diagnosed with cancer and passed away when I was seventeen. I lost the motivation to continue and eventually deleted the story. People were pissed and even eight years later, I will log in to my old email on a whim and still see messages asking if I ever plan on bringing it back. Like Eliza, I learned that just because you create something, doesn't mean you owe it to anyone but yourself to finish what you started. You can quit or push through, but ultimately you have to choose to do it for yourself. 

I could honestly keep going on about this book, but this review is beginning to drag on, so I will simply end it here. If her future works are anything like Eliza and Her Monsters, I cannot wait to see what Zappia has in store for us.

Side Effects May Vary, by Julie Murphy

“What if you'd been living your life as if you were dying—only to find out that you had your whole future ahead of you?"

Title: Side Effects May Vary
Author: Julie Murphy
Genre: Contemporary, Young Adult, Romance
Publisher: HarperCollins/ Balzer+Bray
Release Date: March 18th, 2014
Format: Kindle Edition
Source: Amazon
Rating: 4 Stars

When sixteen-year-old Alice is diagnosed with leukemia, her prognosis is grim. To maximize the time she does have, she vows to spend her final months righting wrongs—however she sees fit. She convinces her friend Harvey, who she knows has always had feelings for her, to help her with a crazy bucket list that's as much about revenge (humiliating her ex-boyfriend and getting back at her arch-nemesis) as it is about hope (doing something unexpectedly kind for a stranger). But just when Alice's scores are settled, she goes into remission.

Now Alice is forced to face the consequences of all that she's said and done, as well as her true feelings for Harvey. But has she caused irreparable damage to the people around her—and to the one person who matters most?

It comes as no surprise to me that so many people hated this book. After all, the protagonist is awful. She's scheming, manipulative, and all around just a terrible little bitch.

... And I loved it.

Honestly, say what you want about Alice's characterization, but I thought it was absolute perfection. I mean, let's be real for a second: if I was in her shoes, I probably would have done the same thing. Call me a bitch, but it's true. If I knew I had an "expiration date", I would do all of the petty things I never had the guts to do while I was healthy. And believe me, I have a laundry list.

I also know what it's like to want to distance yourself from those around you when your time is limited, because I've experienced it by proxy. I had a best friend growing up that was terminally ill. Every time he would slip back into that uncertain, unhealthy stage, he would sabotage. Everyone and everything. Once he fell into that place where living wasn't a guarantee (and that happened quite a few times), he didn't care. It was easier to push everyone away than to try and maintain relationships with people who would only hurt once he was gone.

 “My whole body finally connected the dots, and I realized that even if we were never together, she’d ruined me and I’d never feel that way about anyone again.”

Alice and Harvey's relationship, while painful and toxic, was completely realistic and almost too much for me to read. I empathized with Harvey's point-of-view because I've been in his shoes. I've been that person for someone, which simultaneously made this book so amazing and so terrible. Many people say Harvey is a pushover, but I saw it differently. When you love someone, regardless of how awful they become, you would still give them your heart, even if it meant you had to bleed to death in the process.

So I completely understand why Alice and Harvey made the decisions they did throughout Side Effects May Vary. I certainly didn't like them, but I understood them, which made all the difference while reading this book.